I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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