If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
