My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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