the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
