you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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