If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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