I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Damn victory sex feels great
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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