"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
