I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
