I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
