I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
