I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
