I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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