you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
