You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize