Welp...herpes.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
