My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
