she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
