My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
