I faked an abortion last night.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
