I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
