Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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