I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
