I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
