Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
