Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
