Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
