Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
