I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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