That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
