my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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