im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
