Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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