please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
