Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
