Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
