Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
