My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
