By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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