yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
