I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
