I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
