We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
