she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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