1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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