I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
