May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
