I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
