just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
