This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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