i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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