my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
